Daring to Suck!

In my quest for living a bigger, more purpose-driven life, my theme for 2013 is “Dare to SUCK!” which was a phrase I took away from one of my weekend coach training sessions challenging us to swing wide with our clients and take risks. So this approach is going to be perfect for me this year, where I plan to put myself in situations where I don’t have all the answers and seek to try new things. To expose myself to new experiences, new people and to do it all being unattached to the outcome – meaning I could completely fall flat on my face, in front of a LOT of people… and it not MEAN anything, other than I gave it a go and (hopefully) learned something. The more I think about this, the more I wonder “What the hell are you thinking??!! You know the Universe is listening, right?”

That being said, I developed the following strategy to help keep me moving forward when I get stuck and want to retreat (anybody who’s read Scaredy Squirrel to your kids might recognize the approach):

Step 1: PANIC! (aka Let Go and Feel it all) – Surrender to the discomfort, messy, ugly cry, frustration of being stuck and say all the irrational crap out loud that I am telling myself. Leave no stone unturned. Exorcise that shit in a big way and clear the way for what lies underneath, which is hopefully, rational thinking and my true inner voice of reason and wisdom that wants more for me.

Step 2: Take a deep breath, figure out what I need and (ahem..) ASK FOR HELP! I choose to draw on the richness of experience and wisdom from others around me (friends, colleagues, family) and if it’s not there then I commit to seek it out – research, expanding my network, reading, classes. I choose to be an empowered participant, for the sake of walking into awesome!

This step is a toughie hard, especially because I really want to look good, do things perfect the first time and appear to have my shit together, but it’s amazing what happens when I don’t rely on others to read my mind, or better yet, test them to see how well they know me – because they SHOULD know, right? Been there, done that and it’s a dangerous game I no longer want to play.

Step 3: TAKE THE HELP, I asked for it! Shut off the voices of resistance/pride/ego in my head, say “Thank You” and open up my mind, ears and take in what I don’t know. I need to remember that NOBODY ever did anything worthwhile or impactful ALONE. Nobody. I will find comfort in this fact and consider tattooing it somewhere I can see it anytime I need to.

Step 4: TRUST AND LEAP INTO THE UNKNOWN! Whatever it is I want to do or try, I will take what I know, suck up some fierce courage and TRUST that no matter what happens, trying and failing miserably (worse case scenario) is truly better than not trying at all. And who knows, I might not only inspire others to do the same but inspire MYSELF to keep going! I can also sense some hilarious stories to come from this place and I love me a good story to share J This thought is almost exciting… where I can practically feel the desire TO fail…haha!

So how am I going to be applying the above? I have officially committed to achieving the following goals over the coming months and they each, scare the crap out of me in their own way:

To Becoming An Amazing CERTIFIED Co-Active™ Coach

During my certification, I will be challenged BIGTIME to get more courageous with clients for the sake of their growth and goals. Meaning, I need to let go of looking good and to make mistakes, do the irrational, crazy, out of the box approaches that come to me in the moment. What makes this easier is the latter part of that first sentence. I’d do anything for these amazing people that come into my life and I want them to experience whatever shift or transformation they want so badly. I have to remember this when I’m resisting and holding back.

To Be BIGGER … In Front Of More People! Full Exposure!

Although I love the intimacy and power of one to one coaching, after 6 months exposing my inner-most challenges, experience and stories in front of my coaching people – I remembered how incredible it feels to connect with a bigger audience. Back in high school, I gave up on my dream to be on stage and perform. What’s different now is that it’s less about ‘look at me’ and more about sharing information and making that connection about something bigger and more meaningful. And as NERVE-WRACKING as it is for me to do this, whenever I do it, I feel something rise up in me that is too cool to ignore. It’s like I am firing on all cylinders and can feel my full power. I just pray that the ridonkulous knee-knocking nerves I recently experienced (see below video of me sharing my E.A.T experience) will dissipate with practice and exposure. Uggh.

So get this, a few months ago, my super-successful, professional speaker / communications powerhouse of a cousin, Maureen “Mo” Douglas, called me after I posted one of my more vulnerable blog entries and asked if I considered sharing my stories to a bigger crowd. All of the sudden, I saw the possibilities and got the FEELING of that dream I’d given up on so long ago, so I said “No… but I’m listening.”

Thank you, Universe.

Yesterday, I received my confirmation to attend a two day workshop (with Mo) at the end of February to train with a celebrated Keynote Speaker, Hugh Culver on how to better connect with an audience and be the most impactful speaker possible. Exciting!!! But shit scared!!!

Don’t think my troll isn’t rearing up his head yelling “You are IN over your head woman! You have ZERO experience! You are LITERALLY going to make a HUGE ass out of yourself! Seriously – no joke!”

The funny part is, and it’s not like I am trying to will it, but in this perspective, I really have nothing to lose. As much as I don’t want to embarrass myself, I want to throw myself in the deep end a little. Why not? Just think of the learning (a.k.a potentially hilarious blog post)!

To Head Into the Physical Unknown

It’s been two months since I finished the E.A.T Nutrition Program and I’m happy to report that I have maintained my weight and inches lost. I have so far, mastered the art of maintaining. Yay! That being said, I have enjoyed hovering here and exploring what I can and can’t do. This is also a place in the past where I would have settled and not pushed any further… and then gained it all back.

Here is a look at what I accomplished from September to November in 2012:

August 2012

FAT COAT be gone! December 2012

I’m see this as a dive and leveling process. When I began this journey, I dove and committed to the first batch of weight loss, learned and practiced new habits. But then, there felt like the need to relax, loosen the straps, celebrate results and catch my breath. I’ve looked around and am now gathering the strength to dive again and recommit to losing roughly 20 more pounds, fitting into my size 10 clothes by the summer and being able to complete a workout session where I don’t burst into tears when I hit a wall I call “I can’t, I’m weak, I’m going to hurt myself”. I wish this were a joke, but it’s not. Definitely another blog post. As requested by my beloved and patient fitness coach, Lisa, I am posting a picture of my goal outfit to motivate me. It will hang in my closet where I can see it every day and look forward to wearing it again (taken the day after our wedding).

In addition to this, I also registered to run the World Music Half Marathon (Relay) in September where me and my coach-bestie-in-crime, Michaella will each run 13K through the streets of White Rock while rocking out to international tunes. I love the relay part and have never even entered in or run in an actual race.  Holy crap, what have I gotten myself into! Woo Hoo!

PS. Decided to go to the pool tonight and wear my honeymoon bikini (!!), almost a tester to put it (me) all out there, literally… stretch marks, deflated baby-gut was hangin’ out for all to see. I did it and you know what? There was almost LIBERATING about it. My first success in daring to suck and it NOT sucking! CHECK!

I would LOVE to hear your theme for the year so please share. And watch this space, I will be reporting back as I continue on these items and any other gems I need to express to keep myself motivated and moving forward.

With love and gratitude out the ying-yang,

Let’s Do This 2013!

E.A.T Finale: When we know better, we do better!

The first step I took to grabbing the reins of my life was to take responsibility for my body and how I care for it. In the beginning of September I met with Lisa Carpenter, founder of the 10 week E.A.T. Program, which I wrote about in one of my first blog posts “My Starting Point”.

Ten sessions have since passed and last night was the big reveal and  I was blown away, not just by me losing 27 lbs, 23 inches and over 7% in body fat – but the PICTURES!! I am not ready to show you all of them because honestly, they are “too raw” if that makes sense. It feels like yesterday I was there – in a year I might but not tonight. The best I will do is give you the back fat shot – dramatic to say the least. You can only imagine (if you really want to..) what the front looked like..haha. Enjoy…. uuggh.

I did this by following the structure that Lisa puts forth – eating 5 meals EVERY day that were rich in lean protein, smart carbohydrates (including bread AND potatoes!), lots of leafy greens, healthy fats (Omega 3, 6 & 9s) and mountains of fresh vegetables and fruit. In comparison to previous attempts, it was refreshing to see no quick fixes, no magic powders or shakes to drink, shots or blood work to take and NO deprivation. I honestly didn’t expect it to work! LOL!

And get this, I even did this with a few nights of wine and junky food – difference was I enjoyed the hell out of it and just picked up where I left off the next day. No more sabotage. Eureka!

When people ask me what I’m doing to lose the weight and I tell them about the course, I sometimes get resistance with only answering the question by saying “I took a course on eating for weight loss and optimal health”. Like today, when a woman (I don’t know) asked me, she immediately said “Sounds like hard work.. (grimace face)” and then she asked me to tell her more so I did but she quickly cut me off saying “Oh I do all that already” and “I eat healthy but it doesn’t work” And although I REALLY wanted to engage because I’m super passionate about what I learned and love how it’s going to serve me for the rest of my life!!!…. I stop myself because I’m not here to convince anyone of anything. I’m just glad I found my way to it and also remember being in the same place. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it either..haha.

The difference for me this time is that I was ready to admit whatever I was doing wasn’t working and think a lot of the success that happens in this course is when people show up, do the hard work and open themselves up to shifting their position or attitude – whatever it is. This is hard to do if you are hell-bent on believing you NEED cheese to live (believe me, I tried!!).

I surrendered and let go of what I thought I knew. This was the hardest part of the course for me and if you are ready to do this and want the change bad enough –you can make BIG changes and it is WAY EASIER than you think. There was never a time where I wanted to quit but I was annoyed and irritated with food logging and having to shift my thinking and behaviors. Most of the time this was just old patterns and my troll trying to sabotage my progress (note still working on this even though they are getting further and further away).

 How am I different now?

• I don’t eat cheese at every meal … or at all for that matter (I just heard a collective GASP from my friends & family).
• I’m less about a destination and see this as a daily, meal by meal way of living. In time, my body will catch up and be its optimal size.
• I found myself RUNNING up the stairs carrying six bags of groceries yesterday. No calling Scott from the car to come help. Laughed when I noticed this.
• I play with my boys differently – lifting the big one up more, rough housing, running, chasing and climbing at the park. We have more fun together.
• I gorged myself on 3 CUPS of BRUSSEL SPROUTS tonight dressed in pureed avocado, horseradish and red chilli sauce, salt & pepper…. and LOVED IT! I made the bowl for the family and ended up eating the entire thing myself! What the…??!!!!
• My 3 year old doesn’t beg for juice anymore. BIG WIN! He yells for water and it’s music to my ears!
• I have now begun incorporating my new knowledge into my family’s meals with success.
• Even though I still loath food logging, I see the value in it and will go back when I feel myself slipping. It’s a good way to keep mindful about the food I’m eating and why.
• I’m armed with tools to get me though eating out, Christmas parties and my own self-sabotage.
• I feel a sense of calm in the journey now – less roller coaster and ‘good’ ‘bad’ mentality. I’m human and will make less than stellar choices but will move forward the next day instead of derailing the process.
• I read food labels and understand them on a whole new level.
• I feel SO much more confident in my own skin and love that my wardrobe doubled now that I can fit into my thinner clothes.
• My husband is reaping the rewards of a happier, healthier, ‘rock star’ feeling wife 😉

That being said, now that the classes are over, I need to keep my “I got this” mentality in check because it’s only been 10 classes and this is something I want for the rest of my life. Definitely something I will need to check in on every now and then at the Alumni events which I’m looking forward to. Once you become a member of the E.A.T crew, you are welcomed into a family of other women on the same path with support, recipes and stories to share about how to ‘keep going’. Love it and can’t wait.

Thank you Lisa and the amazing women I shared this journey with over the past two months. I look forward to connecting again and seeing what else we are capable of!

Although I am forever changed and happy the majority of the weight I wanted to lose is gone, this was the beginning piece of a much bigger puzzle for me to live life with more purpose. Today, I reached week  8 in my 5K running program and ran 28 minutes in a row without stopping 🙂 This weekend I head into the second to last course of coach training-action and continue to explore this possible career change. I also started a fun grassroots “movement” with a handful of fellow community-lovers to inspire, educate and convert locals in Steveston to connect our community even more using the power of social media. We created a bulletin board on Facebook called  #SocialSteveston: Our Community and launched the #SocialSteveston web page where events and resources will be posted on how to get involved. We are planning a larger kick-off meeting with local businesses and community leaders in the coming weeks to see where this will go.

Before I sign off, it has to be said that although I am glad to be out of “the well” and feeling more alive and engaged with the world than ever before, I am officially in uncharted territory now. I’ve been in ‘action-mode’ for almost three months now and I’m starting to feel the effects of the shifts happening. The original ‘kick-ass and take names’ part of me is now feeling more like ‘where the hell am I and what’s next’… which feels a LOT scarier and uncertain. Enter the whispers of my troll.

Thank God Peter and I are reuniting this weekend after months apart so I’m hoping to get some much needed ‘catch-up’ coaching to see what shakes out. I’ll be sure to report back.

Thank you all for following along with comments, emails and updates from fellow 5 and 10K runners around the world who inspire me to keep going.

Until next time, with much love and gratitude, Ker

Shit Just Got Real People

On the first night of E.A.T!, there was a quote written on the wall that resonated with me…

“Are you ready to be your own coach, rather than your critic?”

I loved this because I am in life coach training so … YES, I am ready. Therefore today’s blog is about the difference in knowing something vs being it.

At last Wednesday’s E.A.T class,  I walked in standing tall, full of energy and feeling positive knowing how well I had incorporated each weeks learning topic so far and I was losing weight like a champ. I was eating five smaller means a day with the recommended portions of lean protein, good fats, green leafy veg, no processed foods etc (minus one birthday party with pizza & cupcakes). As much as I’ve embraced all that I am learning, I am also realistic so eating non-stellar food once in a while is fine with me as long as I don’t let those side steps shut down the entire process. Looking back, I know I went into class feeling sure I had lost two or three pounds because  (if you didn’t get the memo from my troll / ego) “I am THE best loser-weighter that ever lived!” This makes me laugh now but it was pretty humiliating in the moments that followed.

I stepped on the scale to do the weekly numbers / measurements and I was looking forward to it, when out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw the same number from the week before and panic took over my body. What? WHAT?!!! NO. I’m sure it was just the scale adjusting itself… This was all I could hear in my head. My heart sunk and then I could literally feel all that kick ass, positive energy and self-support quickly drain out of my body… Faaaaaack! As Lisa wrote down the number I decided to actually look down at it and the number was the same as last week… no, correction. I had gained 0.2 of a lb. At the time, this 0.2 lbs may as well have been twenty.

Lisa could see by the look on my face exactly where I was… I guess I started babbling my thoughts and I am pretty sure she said “Shut Up” and quickly turned me around and began to wrap the measuring tape around me. As she measured me (attempting to speak through the screaming in my head) she said something like ‘try not to focus on the scale… different for everyone.. expectations…own worst critic… look what you DID achieve.” And I’m SURE there was good stuff in there for me to hear but there was no chance for it at this point. Then she showed me that I had actually lost over three inches. Nope. Don’t care. Still back at the scale. As to not completely expose my humiliation, I gave a half-assed nod and may have even fake smiled (to stop the crying of course). I slunk back to my seat feeling completely deflated.

It’s in these moments when I hardly recognize myself. And that’s when I knew I was in the midst of the troll storming around in my head. He was clearly in no mood to let me turn it around. As I sat there waiting for Lisa to begin, more thoughts came but they weren’t so much angry as they were defeated and deceptively realistic sounding. “I’m never going to be able to get what I want… too hard… this sucks… how can I keep doing this week after week…why bother.

Pretty gross huh? I think I was almost more disturbed with being this person.

Luckily Lisa had a lot to of information for us to absorb so I was able to keep those thoughts on hold while I focused on carbohydrates. It was much more complicated than the others but of incredibly value to know how different carbs can drastically impact our health (good and bad). This was one of the final pieces to the food puzzle and the real work was going to be putting it all together in ‘real life’. When Lisa checked in with us on how we were processing it all, I literally blurted out “shit just got real people” which got a few laughs, but that’s how I felt. I can’t unlearn this stuff and now know there are some foods I used to eat that I just won’t now. Which is good, but its big change, right? Between the scale incident and bringing in all this learning into my life I felt the enormous challenge I had taken on to eat more responsibly. But in saying that I also felt determined to do my best and to keep going. It’s too important not to.

Since that night, the storm passed from my head and has become an ‘Ah ha’ moment in my heart because I learned how important it is to quickly recover (slam door in troll’s face) and support myself through ‘perceived’ set backs knowing there is something to be learned and grow from. It’s not in the what happens but how I handle it and how I am BEING that matters. I don’t want to BE the up and down drama-fest that freaks out in either joy or defeat because of a stupid number. I am going to try to be more centered, knowing I’m doing my best every day and celebrate it. The rest will fall into place if I keep moving in that direction. Just KEEP GOING.

I am in the process of creating a bigger life, becoming more of myself and living a life with more purpose – NOT to become a size four. So thank you, my shitty troll, for showing up just enough for me learn to support myself and more importantly to see progress in how little time I’m giving you these days.

P.S. Although scales and measurements are one way to monitor progress,  a few days ago I was able to say goodbye to my maternity clothes and for the first time, recognized myself in the mirror. If that’s not motivating, I don’t know what is.

Protein, Fats and Food Logs… OH MY!

So last week was a BIG milestone for me in this whole ‘clean eating’ gig. I dropped my first TEN POUNDS! WOO HOO! And I honestly have to say it has been WAY easier than I thought.

Since I began the attending Lisa Carpenter’s E.A.T! Class, a local nutrition program geared toward women who want to lose weight and eat for optimal health, I look at food completely different. I am gaining a greater knowledge and respect for what I should put into my body and how it works to keep me fueled. When I think back to how I used to eat, I had taken my hands off the wheel completely. And I wasn’t binge eating or anything drastic. But really, I was simply NOT in control and here is the simplest reason – there was no thought behind what I ate and whether it was a good choice for me or not. I just flew by the seat of my pants and tried to make the decision as I opened the kitchen cupboards, the fridge door or was out with the kids I would think ‘What do I FEEL like eating?..”

Now I think, what does FEELING have to do what I eat??! But it was ingrained in me as a subconscious pattern. Now it seems crazy to even ask the question. I was indulging myself in a useless conversation knowing full well that I had a fairly limited wheel house of options I would go for – bread, cheese, pasta, with some veggies and fruit. I hated thinking about eating because I hated having to decide and argue with myself, knowing I had NO connection to whether the food I was choosing was a good for me or not. If it wasn’t good for me, I’d easily pass it off as ‘just one meal’ what’s the big deal. But those add up. Bottom line – I was not eating responsibly.

I didn’t eat a lot of food or have junk in my house but on those rare occasions when we did, as soon as my taste buds got wind, it didn’t last for long. I was out of balance and I knew it but didn’t know how to stop it. The thought of going on another round of the SureSlim plan to quickly lose the weight (as it was my go-to solution) annoyed me as I was sick of just doing these things knowing I’d inevitably hit the ‘get cocky’ phase and throw the good eating out the window. I just want to know what I’m doing…

What I love about the E.A.T! is that each week we learn ONE topic related to food and how it functions in our body and why effects body composition. Hmmm… eating with knowledge. Novel concept.

Week 1: We measured, weighed and assessed where we all were, discussed expectations and learned how to food log and pay attention to the food we are eating. We also prepared our kitchens for cleaner eating. Done.

Week 2: Protein! Biggest take away was that it is thermogenic, meaning it requires more energy for your body to break it down = more calories burned. Who knew? But being a fair weather vegetarian (that occasionally orders a veggie sandwich… with bacon) I decided to bring back some animal protein knowing this would help me drop the weight quicker. My previous diet, I learned, was so high in sodium (beans, cheese and of course the bacon) that this was going to impede any progress. So off I went to buy salmon, red snapper, chicken thighs, chicken breast and my new best friend, Non Fat Greek Yogurt. Done.

Our homework was to incorporate FIVE portions of protein into our day with at least two cups of green leafy veggies. This was challenging (not the eating part, the organization and new behaviour) but I did it. And don’t’ think that was ALL I was eating – we could have bread, fruit or a whole pizza for all Lisa cared at this point. She just wanted us to learn the protein part as the foundation. One week at a time.

Week 3: FATS – I began this class by getting on the scale and seeing that I was 11.5 lbs lighter and 8 inches smaller from that first meeting with Lisa. To have the first 10 drop so fast was just a sign that my body was sooo ready for a shift. This is the progress I needed to keep me motivated.

This week’s class was all about the good, bad and ugly about FATS and to stop cooking with oil! More importantly, I took away the emotional and physical benefits on incorporating healthy fats Fish oil, flax, olive oil, peanut butter, avocado into my day because they will keep me balanced and feeling more full. So I’m adding healthy fats to the last two meals of my day to keep me going through the night.

Tonight is CARBS and I say… ba-ring it!!

As much as I don’t want to make it about the weight, I look forward to each class to see if the weight and inches are still coming off – even if only a little. There is a part of me that is waiting for the week when there has been no shift so I can turn to Lisa and say “AH HA! I told you this crap doesn’t work!” LOL!

So far she doesn’t seem too worried about this happening…

Also, the food I’m eating tastes good (not as good as a donut) but there is something about knowing the food I’m are eating is fueling weight loss and making my body more efficient that has me missing the junk less and less. My taste buds are shifting to appreciate how whole food tastes – no additives, no preservatives. I’m eating things I never thought I would – egg whites for one. Not as horrible as I thought! And I’ve had one or two junky meals along the way of pizza and cupcakes. The headache that followed them was yet, another sign I am on the right track.

I have to say that I’m enjoying my days more because although I’m working harder to measure food and plan more it is absolute BLISS saying goodbye to the mental wrestling that went along with trying to figure out what I would eat. There is a sense of freedom I’m getting that I love. I appreciated knowing more, the structure, being in control and with no feelings attached. No more stress about the WHAT to eat. Just follow the guidelines and enjoy the ride. I’m making it a part of my life – one week at a time.

It’s also nice to know I’m not in this alone. Have other people to share my challenges with and hear theirs is really helpful and the women in the class do this for one another. There is a lot to be said for peer support and encouragement.

So for those of you who are curious, here is an example of some of the meals I might eat in a day right now (Note – I have MUCH more to learn – only 3 weeks in):

Meal 1:                 Non-fat Greek Yogurt, Greens First Powder (BEST tasting Greens product I’ve ever tried!), Quick Oats

Meal 2:                 Shrimp, natural yogurt, dill weed, dill pickle diced on whole grain bread

Meal 3:                 Chicken breast, 2 cups of chopped veggies (carrots, peppers, spinach, celery), brown rice, chick broth, apple

Meal 4:                 Shrimp, Mixed Greens, Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Green onions, Mixed Greens (olive oil, balsamic vinegar, dill weed, dill pickle diced, salt & pepper)

Meal 5:                 NF Greek Yogurt, Frozen Mango, Barlean’s Omega 3 oil (Pina colada) – THIS TASTES AMAZING!!

And here are some pics of my meals too (I do this to remember for my food log at the end of the day too):

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Did I just do that?

So one of the things I’m practicing in my journey to a bigger life is telling that shitty voice in my head who lists all the reasons why I shouldn’t or couldn’t do something … to shut the hell up. So, after my original post talking about getting back into fighting shape, a friend on Facebook suggested I join her for the 6:15 class at the new spinning gym, Spinergy Fitness in Steveston Village on Wednesday.

“Haha..(said the voice in my head), You? Spin? Nope, that’s for the fit mom’s with high ponytails and tight butts. Not you. You’ll hurt yourself for sure.”

So, to spite the little bugger, I quickly wrote her back “Count me in!”

The more I thought about it, the more I truly worried that I might actually hurt myself – and this wasn’t anyone’s voice but my own talking now. People… I am REALLY out of shape. And I’m not a person with low self-esteem. I like myself… aloh! So much that I really didn’t want to hurt my awesome self. I am a realist. Last time I even semi-regularly worked out was  five years ago and even then it was a burst of 6 months and then I was done with it.And FYI, during one of those boot camp-type sessions I put my back out so bad that I was laid up for a week!

Then I said to myself “Just shut up and let’s do this.” (hence the title on this blog – I say this a lot now)

I called up Spinergy and spoke with one of their people who assured me I would NOT hurt myself. That I was in control of how hard I pushed myself and the tension on the bike. They were very understanding of my newbie concerns and encouraged me to give it a try. OK. Due diligence complete.

To make this happen I had to wake up at 5AM to pump so hubby could feed Beau, our four month old, if he woke up before I got back. Once I was up and moving it really wasn’t that bad. Next thing I know I was ready and heading out the door. When I arrived, said friend pulled right up after and I was officially doing this.

After signing the standard ‘Please don’t sue us if you die whilst spinning’  forms, I met one of the owners and primary instructor, Shannon Marshall and her trusty sidekick, Matt, who was working the computer behind the sign in desk – both VERY nice and super welcoming. I began to feel at ease.

How do I explain what happened over the following 50 mins? Well first, it’s true that the seats hurt your butt and although at times mine was screaming for mercy, there were good chunks of time where I was so focused on what I was being asked to do by Shannon  (over some of the most motivating ass-kicking tracks, ever) that the discomfort faded away and wasn’t an issue – I was actually doing it. I was spinning for crack’s sake! And although I was somewhat distracted by the excess bits of my body giggling and shaking with every pedal, instead of feeling defeated at this shitty reminder of how big my body has become or self-conscious, I heard myself shouting at it from a very powerful place, saying “Get. The. Feck. OFF! Get off! Get off!!!”

This made me laugh thinking about it after. What a refreshing perspective. I liked it.

What was the best and most surprising part? Early into the ride when we were just warming up she told us to close our eyes, get into the music and find our zone and just give it whatever we had. Next thing I knew, the gym disappeared and I was transformed to the road with the wind blowing in my face (strategic fans) and it all became a bit more do-able. I found whenever I opened my eyes, I was distracted and less motivated. There was something very zen-like in the way Shannon guided the group with her voice over the music – not a Drill Sargent (which is what I expected) but assertive, supportive, inspiring and also seemed to say all the things I needed to hear as I puffed and panted my way along. It reminded me at times of yoga with a very internal focus, listening to my body and overcoming that internal mental struggle to push myself up the hill much like trying to hold a difficult yoga move. And then we’d get permission to release the tension and the sweet relief of gliding down a steep hill with the wind in my face was intoxicating. I got it. People love this workout because its incredibly efficient and that’s just what I need. Show up, sweat your face off and get out. I’d like to add it to my cardio efforts at least once a week in combination to the Couch to 5K running program. Gotta love a plan.

To walk into my house after a really great sweat and see my husband feeding our baby and 3 year old, Denny happily playing and greeting me with a huge hug – I couldn’t help feel a huge sense of accomplishment. I did it and I CAN do this. Awesome.

And not only did I do it WITHOUT hurting myself it was a great way to start to my day and I’m still smiling. Although Shannon tweeted me later to say I may not be smiling tomorrow.

Oh shit.