My Starting Point.

A few weeks ago I took my first step of action for my ‘health plan’ by meeting with Lisa Carpenter, our local fitness and nutrition coach about her upcoming E.A.T! Program. I was pretty anxious to chat with her because I knew I was going to get a very sobering reality check on where I was at physically. I was going to get numbers on HOW BAD I’d let things get. Ugggh.

As soon as I sat down – tears. I felt embarrassed, humiliated, angry, frustrated and a bit lost as to HOW I was going to get back to a place where I could move without pain or difficulty and shed this fat-coat I’d built up over the last five years. More importantly I wanted to feel better about myself. I was stuck and didn’t realize that I was so down on myself. Although addressing all this was hard, I knew deep down it was necessary. Thank god Lisa was a very safe place to land as she knew and articulated EXACTLY what I was thinking and feeling when I couldn’t bare to say the words myself. She was extremely supportive through this and I felt it.

As we talked, the tears passed and together, we discover places in my life where I could make this mission of mine happen. Even if it was 30 minutes here or one set of exercises there. When I was really honest and looked at my days, I could find time EVERY day even if it meant run/walking at 8:30 at night after the kids were all settled. Then something changed in me. I began to feel the spark of possibility and heard myself think, I can do this.

What I loved about the process was that Lisa made it clear that she played a facilitator in this journey – giving me information and tools to make the decisions that support MY goal, not hers. I was choosing and doing. She wasn’t going to lose sleep if I didn’t do any of it. What? You mean you aren’t here to save me ? Or tell me what to do and then humiliate me when I’m bad? Oh, I would just have to report back to me, right. Well, that’s a revolutionary thought!

And with that realization, something clicked. For the first time I felt like I owned all of this and that made it easier somehow. We then measured, took photos – which of course I have not seen and may look at later (and possibly share) depending on how awesome I look in the now. But then she brought out the scale.

I was 200 lbs…. even.

Now, this was a shock because I learned I’d actually gained weight since after having Beau four months ago. But… it was my starting point and I owned that too. I left there feeling very in tune with where I was and where I was headed. I found a peace in knowing I had taken the first course of action to move me forward and that felt very grounding. Good to the point where I wanted more action so I could feel even better. I WAS going to do this.

So what does it look like? Well, it means every night Scott and I carve out a time for the next day where we can each get time for ourselves, whether it’s for exercise or not. And so far, it’s worked. I am doing the Couch to 5K Program on my iPhone three times a week and fitting in some moderate exercises Lisa gave me wherever I can to get some semblance of core strength back as it is completely shot to shit.

And just so you know, it’s not as easy as it sounds. One day we all went out for a walk and our 3 year old, Denny, lost his ever-loving-mind when I tried to break off for one of my first run/walks. As he cranked it up several notches on the side of the road, I debated what my options were – to walk a slower pace with all of them and still say I got out? Or do what I did, which was grab his snotty, tear soaked hand and say “OK. LET’S DO THIS!” and started running anyway! I tried along the run to get him to ride in the stroller along side with Scott pushing but NO, he was just as determined as I was to get it done. LOL! And the ‘old’ me might have even gone to a shitty place thinking ‘Uggh this is NOT what I signed up for, dragging a toddler around with me’, but I was actually happy that I didn’t let it stop me. I was fighting for it every step of the way and even found a great headspace to do it. Because, how cool was it to be running with my D-Man?!! It was awesome and pretty funny at the same time. You should have heard him panting away saying “We ..almost.. there.. Mom?” haha. . And it was a double WIN because the little man slept like a champ when we got home too!

Denny running with me last week at Garry Point Park, Steveston, BC

So, do I have a goal? Yes… not to have freaking back cleavage. That, and if I were to settle on a number, I was 155 lbs when we got married (see ‘rockstar’ pic), so that’s roughly my first BIG goal… and not to sweat on relatively cool days. Running 5K consistently wouldn’t be bad either.

The best part so far is that even though I run like a turtle, I’m doing something and that negative self-talk? Gone. Because action has shut the little bugger up… for now.

Stay tuned for my next post on the first week of E.A.T! and the launch of my coaching career!

Did I just do that?

So one of the things I’m practicing in my journey to a bigger life is telling that shitty voice in my head who lists all the reasons why I shouldn’t or couldn’t do something … to shut the hell up. So, after my original post talking about getting back into fighting shape, a friend on Facebook suggested I join her for the 6:15 class at the new spinning gym, Spinergy Fitness in Steveston Village on Wednesday.

“Haha..(said the voice in my head), You? Spin? Nope, that’s for the fit mom’s with high ponytails and tight butts. Not you. You’ll hurt yourself for sure.”

So, to spite the little bugger, I quickly wrote her back “Count me in!”

The more I thought about it, the more I truly worried that I might actually hurt myself – and this wasn’t anyone’s voice but my own talking now. People… I am REALLY out of shape. And I’m not a person with low self-esteem. I like myself… aloh! So much that I really didn’t want to hurt my awesome self. I am a realist. Last time I even semi-regularly worked out was  five years ago and even then it was a burst of 6 months and then I was done with it.And FYI, during one of those boot camp-type sessions I put my back out so bad that I was laid up for a week!

Then I said to myself “Just shut up and let’s do this.” (hence the title on this blog – I say this a lot now)

I called up Spinergy and spoke with one of their people who assured me I would NOT hurt myself. That I was in control of how hard I pushed myself and the tension on the bike. They were very understanding of my newbie concerns and encouraged me to give it a try. OK. Due diligence complete.

To make this happen I had to wake up at 5AM to pump so hubby could feed Beau, our four month old, if he woke up before I got back. Once I was up and moving it really wasn’t that bad. Next thing I know I was ready and heading out the door. When I arrived, said friend pulled right up after and I was officially doing this.

After signing the standard ‘Please don’t sue us if you die whilst spinning’  forms, I met one of the owners and primary instructor, Shannon Marshall and her trusty sidekick, Matt, who was working the computer behind the sign in desk – both VERY nice and super welcoming. I began to feel at ease.

How do I explain what happened over the following 50 mins? Well first, it’s true that the seats hurt your butt and although at times mine was screaming for mercy, there were good chunks of time where I was so focused on what I was being asked to do by Shannon  (over some of the most motivating ass-kicking tracks, ever) that the discomfort faded away and wasn’t an issue – I was actually doing it. I was spinning for crack’s sake! And although I was somewhat distracted by the excess bits of my body giggling and shaking with every pedal, instead of feeling defeated at this shitty reminder of how big my body has become or self-conscious, I heard myself shouting at it from a very powerful place, saying “Get. The. Feck. OFF! Get off! Get off!!!”

This made me laugh thinking about it after. What a refreshing perspective. I liked it.

What was the best and most surprising part? Early into the ride when we were just warming up she told us to close our eyes, get into the music and find our zone and just give it whatever we had. Next thing I knew, the gym disappeared and I was transformed to the road with the wind blowing in my face (strategic fans) and it all became a bit more do-able. I found whenever I opened my eyes, I was distracted and less motivated. There was something very zen-like in the way Shannon guided the group with her voice over the music – not a Drill Sargent (which is what I expected) but assertive, supportive, inspiring and also seemed to say all the things I needed to hear as I puffed and panted my way along. It reminded me at times of yoga with a very internal focus, listening to my body and overcoming that internal mental struggle to push myself up the hill much like trying to hold a difficult yoga move. And then we’d get permission to release the tension and the sweet relief of gliding down a steep hill with the wind in my face was intoxicating. I got it. People love this workout because its incredibly efficient and that’s just what I need. Show up, sweat your face off and get out. I’d like to add it to my cardio efforts at least once a week in combination to the Couch to 5K running program. Gotta love a plan.

To walk into my house after a really great sweat and see my husband feeding our baby and 3 year old, Denny happily playing and greeting me with a huge hug – I couldn’t help feel a huge sense of accomplishment. I did it and I CAN do this. Awesome.

And not only did I do it WITHOUT hurting myself it was a great way to start to my day and I’m still smiling. Although Shannon tweeted me later to say I may not be smiling tomorrow.

Oh shit.

Here we go…

Yes, I am blogging. Why?

I am about to make some big changes in my life and the process of writing helps keep me on track and gives me perspective as I work through issues (and I know there are going to be many) by getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper, even if virtual. When I do this, I always end up discovering something more than if I had just milled it around in my head. Writing also dumps the more unproductive thoughts out of my head so I can get some peace and move on.

Do I care if anyone reads this? Yes and no. Part of me really just wants to be able to look back and see progress. Progress will be my ultimate motivator in making these changes and this is a good method for me to monitor it and celebrate milestones along the way. It is also kind of cathartic to lay it all out there (within reason of course) and say, this is me – right now and in progress.

I’m going to share my honest thoughts and perspective which aren’t always going to look pretty and may surprise those of you who know me and think I have my shit together. By the way, I don’t… and don’t really think any of us do. Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t going to be a self-deprecating, “relate to me because I’ve had hard times too” sort of place. I have a ton of gratitude and appreciate all I have but what I’ve recently been willing to admit is that I hold myself back from having a fuller life. A fuller life for ME – not my kids and not my husband. They have their big places in  my life but know that we (women) are more likely to care about other peoples needs first and make excuses why we don’t need to be at the top of the list. It just doesn’t feel right to a lot of us. I want to change this. Not because I am a narcissistic person, I simply want to include myself in the top two or three so I can have something for me at the end of the day and to have more to give and share with the others in my list. Hence my need to write it down and exorcise some of the crap I think that keeps me stuck in a place I don’t want to be. This is my starting point. The good, bad and fugly.

So what’s ahead? Lots.

This week I embark on two major steps forward in my effort to grab the reigns of my life and ‘live the hell out of it’, or in other words, to consciously participate in my life by not sitting back and letting my life live me – if that makes sense.

Step 1. Pursue a healthier, LESS FAT body so that I first and foremost feel like a rock star and secondly I can keep up with the three energetic men in my life and even kick their butts if the situation arises … and look good doing it.

Step 2. Begin my journey to become a certified life and business coach.

It all begins for me this Wednesday when I begin E.A.T!, a 10 week nutrition course that intends to teach me how to eat for weight loss and optimal health. Did I mention that in the first class we bare-all… that means measurements, weigh-ins and BEFORE photos…. insert a big loud “Faaaaaaaack!” here. Wednesday should make for a sobering post.

The less humiliating and more exciting of the two steps is happening on Friday when I begin coach training with CTI in Vancouver. I have no idea what to expect and will explain how I got to this decision in later posts. But from what I’ve been told by friends and coaches I’ve had the pleasure of meeting and learning from – – I am headed for an incredible ride and that I was meant to do this.

And yes, I am going to do this while caring for a teething 4 month old and tantrum-perfecting 3 year old. Why not wait until things calm down? Because they won’t. Ever. And I am learning that I talk myself out of things too many times and end up doing nothing. No more excuses.

Luckily, I am also blessed with a husband that has a flexible work schedule as he builds a thriving acupuncture clinic and have the support of family and friends who offered to swoop in and help me get this done. (THANK YOU!!!) The main reason this is happening is because I asked for help and got it. Who knew that worked?!! This is something I’m learning I need to do more.

Until my next post later this week, I will do my best not to eat and drink as if each meal were my last. Kinda like CRAMMING before a test, only with food.

And just so you know – while writing this, my three year old was babysat by Spiderman and his Amazing Friends (thank you Netflix) and my 4 month old literally had poop coming out of every neck, arm and leg hole of his onesie with him and I both needing a Silkwood shower to recover. Here’s hoping I can do this and not completely neglect my kids in the process.

Wish me luck.