Suck it Fear. I’ve Got This (for now).

This posting is dedicated Verena, a woman and mother I never met, but whose life and unexpected passing will forever keep me moving forward in gratitude, committed to  ‘daring to suck’ at EVERYTHING I attempt or want in my life. I hope her story does the same for you.

I started a book club two weeks ago to follow the May Cause Miracles 40 day guide by Gabrielle Bernstein. The book is geared to present small but powerful shifts in recognizing how fear holds us back from living life fully and how to choose love instead. Do the work and watch the miracles show up. With all I’m daring to do these days and being a self development addict, it was an easy sell.

The first week asked me pay attention and be willing witness fears that show up and honestly I couldn’t come up with anything – at least nothing obvious. It was like there was a blockage of denial resisting the possibility that I had fear in my life after all I’d done to get away from the bottom of my ‘well’ over a year ago.  By the second day, with all this talk of love and fear, I was coming up with very little, and even bitching about the wording she was using. Then it hit me, ‘ahh, more resistance…  hmmm, I must be close to something because I think this may be my troll (aka ego, inner self saboteur) trying to distract/confuse me hoping I give up and forget about doing the work entirely. Think again buddy. So, I buckled down and leaned in figuring something would show up, and boy did it ever.

Yes, yes it will.

Whether it was the leaning in or exposing myself to the subliminal impact of the daily messages to raise my awareness but by day three and four I was hit between the eyes with a FEAR cyclone that included ALL moving parts of my life. You see, this month also marked the end of my maternity leave and me grabbing the reins of my new coaching practice, no more back up. This is really happening and I felt the intense resistance of putting myself ‘out there’. The simple question of ‘how am I going to do this?’ opened the door to feed this beast of a storm that included self doubt, frustration and the dreaded unknown around childcare, financial security and future, completing my coach certification, maintaining my commitment to healthy eating / exercise, time, money (or lack thereof). It felt even worse when I heard about other coaches’ success because in would walk jealousy, comparison and ultimately paralysis (aka pity party). On top of this all, I noticed in my current state, my exercise and healthy eating was at an all time low and pulling me back into familiar and self sabotaging habits. I felt panic and desperation thinking “’I’m barely treading water here, how will I ever do this?!!”

In the midst of this shit storm, I received a very sad email from my local Mom Meet-Up Group, letting us know that one of the contributing mothers, Verena, had died suddenly. She was a 37 year old local high school teacher, with a five year old daughter who had given birth to her second daughter a month ago and there were no complications following the scheduled C-section. An article in the paper stated she went to bed the night of March 27^th with what was thought to be a bit of a cold, but the next morning her husband found she had passed away sometime during the night, possibly of a heart attack. Read more here.

It’s been a long time since a story in the news affected me this much but her story hit my heart like a sledgehammer and it broke me open. I had never met this woman but my connection to her in this moment was as a mother (roughly the same age),  two young children with a loving husband and in the midst of her life experiencing all the frustrations and joys young children, motherhood, career and marriage bring. She took her kids to the same preschools and parks, went to the same coffee shops and restaurants with her mom-friends and husband. I couldn’t escape the similarities of our lives. I couldn’t help but think that she went to bed that night, like me, assuming she’d wake up the next day… but she   didn’t.

In the days that followed I felt this profound sadness and couldn’t get her and her family out of my mind.  Mothers on our message board clambered to help in any way they could and a meal delivery schedule was quickly arranged and now has food deliveries booked through June. The women in Steveston continue to ASTOUND me with their never-ending compassion, support and generosity of heart they offer each other – it has to be said. Awe-inspiring. This is the best of my community in action.

When I attempted to re-enter my life as it stood before I’d learned about Verena’s passing, none the fear shit storm made sense now. What replaced it was a strange sense of wonder about why some people leave this earth as if they were just plucked up from some invisible force out of the sky and others are allowed to remain. The fears and resistance I allowed to consume me previously, held no power in this place, like it had been sucked up by a cosmic vacuum. I just couldn’t indulge in it and waste another moment of my life in anxiety and self-limiting chatter. I was suddenly overcome with this feeling of complete refusal – NO MORE! I took a powerful stand that I owed it to myself and others who DIDN”T get another day today, to get busy living and stop letting fear hold me back from doing what I really want to do.

I mean seriously, what are we doing here, if not to simply live each day to share, contribute, say, or do WHATEVER ‘it’ is inside us that wants to get out and see the light of day?! And it doesn’t have to be rocket science either! People think this purpose we all speak of is this GRAND GESTURE that is too big to imagine. For you, it could be running a race, writing a book, reconnecting with a friend you’ve lost touch with, travelling the world, acting in a play, expressing ourselves through art or dance, giving back to others – to simply tune into what wants to be done and be the best, most alive version of ourselves!

So yes, I’m a life coach that has highs and lows too! The difference is, I am now blessed with a keen awareness of when I need to call on MY coaches for help. So that’s what I did. Peter provides not just “adult supervision” when the inmates (in my head) are running the asylum but a loving yet firm nudge to get me out of my own way so I can make sense of the chaos and develop strategies to move forward! With his help, I completed a list of all the things I want to do – create my website, increase my exposure in my community, share what I do with others, educate people on coaching for others to tap into this place of connection, passion and purpose.

For my journey, I got clear on all the things I am saying YES and NO to in accomplishing these action items, and they are:

I say NO to:

• FEAR & FRUSTRATION
• COMPARISON
• DISTRACTION
• PROCRASTINATION
• JEALOUSY
• JUDGEMENT
• PARALYSIS
• ASSUMPTIONS

I say YES to:

• LOVE & FUN
• GRATITUDE
• COLLABORATION
• ACTION
• BEING PRESENT
• RESOURCEFULNESS
• LEARNING
• EXPOSURE
• MY ABILITIES
• KICKING ASS!!

By the end of our session, I saw my life as a lighthouse shining my light outward but instead of the blinds being drawn to shut out the noise, they were UP and the windows wide open so I could see all the light and take in the inspiration and creativity that surrounds me! This new place is where FEAR BECOMES OPPORTUNITY. (Ahhhhh…this is the power of coaching and why I love it!)

Watch me.

So look out world (or at least my small but powerful community), I’m now armed with action plan to hit the streets attempting to be the best version of myself (aka powerhouse) and make no apologies for my awesomeness.

I’m also not that naive to think FEAR will never be back, because thankfully in this new perspective it serves as a fantastic reminder that an opportunity is here to explore. A chance for me to choose a better perspective. You can bet I’ll be ready, with Verena’s story close to my heart reminding me to honour being alive with ALL the ups and downs and to remember what’s truly important to me –family, friends, connection, joy, community and serving others.

So, suck it, fear. I’ve got this. As for the book club, I’m ready for the miracles to begin and feel like I just experienced one, albeit, prematurely.

Woo Hoo!

What do I want YOU to do about this?

If you knew you only had a few days left on earth I imagine you’d move mountains to get busy living the hell out of the time you had left! So I’m daring you to take stock of what you want and crank up your awareness on where fear is holding YOU back. What’s it costing you to not act on it?

My wish for us all is to spend these living moments honouring who we are and all the incredible stuff inside us that we owe the world to express.

Don’t know what that stuff is? Ask people you care about and that care about you – they will tell you what you have! And trust me, everybody has something uniquely awesome – I challenge you to find it and share it with someone, your community and the world. I guarantee it will feel scary, but get this – it will be WORTH IT because you (and I) are worth it.

With love and gratitude for living,

Ker

My Adventures in Sucking.

This past weekend I attended the Advanced Speakers Academy in Kelowna, presented by the incredible Hugh Culver and boy did I get my money’s worth! When I was asked to go with my cousin, Mo (a kickass keynote speaker and community engagement rock star), I definitely felt in over my head, to say the least. The part that made me laugh was the literal fact that I was daring myself to suck – in front of a dozen seasoned speakers and doubted my performing experience from high school was worth mentioning… *gulp.

I had no idea what to expect and designed an alliance with myself to approach the two days as an open-eyed learner – no faking it till I made it – that I’d be open and honest about my newbie status and would drink in the experience and wisdom I was about to receive. Doing this made it a WHOLE lot easier to walk through those doors.

Immediately after introducing myself to the other attendees I felt this reassuring sense of how we are all just people wanting to spread our messages to a bigger audience and make an impact on the world. My nerves began to calm a little bit more. Let’s do this.

Hugh dove in with his infectious enthusiasm, humour and ridonkulous experience on the subject and I was fascinated by the world of professional speaking. With every story he told there were invaluable how to’s, tips, tricks and helpful templates and systems to build a solid, organized business as a speaker and facilitator. He consistently delivered ‘one-two punch’ after another. I couldn’t stop writing and was glued to his every word.

And then, it was time for us to give it a go… on video. Faaack.

As we were handed random numbers I quickly ducked out to use the ladies room and gather myself. It was as if my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest. When I returned I discovered I was number 11 out of 12… SWEET! And then found out he was going in REVERSE! Son of a…! My head was spinning and as much as I’d tried to rehearse my 3 minute story, it felt as though it was slipping away, one sentence at a time… oh crap.

The first speaker began and she was incredible – clear, powerful, articulate and smooth…. uuggh. (AM I REALLY GOING TO DO THIS?!!) Let’s just say the universe decided to hit fast forward and it was my turn. So up I got with a huge smile on my face and a nervously giddy came over me as if the sucking had already happened. Something inside just said “Well, you’re here now lady… just LET GO and enjoy the ride!”

I told the story about how I chose my theme this year of “Daring to Suck” – that this past year was one of huge transformation for me as I embraced my passion to become a life/business coach and help others make BIG things happen.

I relived the moment I first heard this phrase during one of my training workshops, when our instructors noticed we were trying to make the coaching look “pretty”. I remember she stopped the exercise and said “Don’t be afraid to get messy. Your messy could be exactly what your client NEEDS to have a breakthrough. Swing wide, take chances, look foolish for THEIR sake! The worst thing to come from it with be an incredible amount of learning – for both of you! I DARE YOU TO SUCK! ”

And there it was.

I immediately began to imagine the impact on a life lived in this perspective. What if we all dared to suck at something that we really wanted to try (in spite of the fear we had)? Knowing that yes, we might completely flop and look like an idiot but amidst the embarrassment, there is something so rich and juicy about living this way. That it‘s worth it, even if you only got a great story out of it. To live daringly. I fell in LOVE with this concept.

So in my Aha moment, I blurted out “Alright, I need that printed on a t-shirt!”

… and as the words hung in the air, in front of my 40 fellow coaches in training, the picture of me in this shirt came to mind, walking around in the world (and heads up, I’m a well-endowed, breastfeeding momma at this point). And then I immediately wished I had never said it, retracting “Never mind, that’s a terrible idea… terrible.”

I believe my next move was to put my face in my hands, shaking my head from side to side, DYING! The image had obviously made its way around the room everyone burst out laughing around me. And even though I was horrified that I disrupted things to this level, I experienced what it was like in real-time to actually suck… and there was something pretty fantastic about it.

Soon my three minutes in front of Hugh and the group was over and there I was, living the dream and daring to make mistakes but also knowing that I was learning and growing every second I was up there. I was really proud of myself and beamed from ear to ear as I openly received their feedback. The relief itself was a drug. I even managed to do get up two more times and it wasn’t any less scary, but so worth it.

I learned that although I’m still very ‘green’, I can actually hold my own as an speaker and really want to take what I’ve learned and try to make a bigger impact in the world – even if to simply see what happens. I’m also excited to have a shiny new goal to work towards and make happen. I almost don’t recognize myself in saying this … ca-razy.

And what I want for us all is to consider this life-changing (albeit rude sounding) phrase as we walk through our lives and to pay attention to those deep desires and wants as well as the fear holding us back. So, get out there and try to suck at something.

I dare you.

K

Daring to Suck!

In my quest for living a bigger, more purpose-driven life, my theme for 2013 is “Dare to SUCK!” which was a phrase I took away from one of my weekend coach training sessions challenging us to swing wide with our clients and take risks. So this approach is going to be perfect for me this year, where I plan to put myself in situations where I don’t have all the answers and seek to try new things. To expose myself to new experiences, new people and to do it all being unattached to the outcome – meaning I could completely fall flat on my face, in front of a LOT of people… and it not MEAN anything, other than I gave it a go and (hopefully) learned something. The more I think about this, the more I wonder “What the hell are you thinking??!! You know the Universe is listening, right?”

That being said, I developed the following strategy to help keep me moving forward when I get stuck and want to retreat (anybody who’s read Scaredy Squirrel to your kids might recognize the approach):

Step 1: PANIC! (aka Let Go and Feel it all) – Surrender to the discomfort, messy, ugly cry, frustration of being stuck and say all the irrational crap out loud that I am telling myself. Leave no stone unturned. Exorcise that shit in a big way and clear the way for what lies underneath, which is hopefully, rational thinking and my true inner voice of reason and wisdom that wants more for me.

Step 2: Take a deep breath, figure out what I need and (ahem..) ASK FOR HELP! I choose to draw on the richness of experience and wisdom from others around me (friends, colleagues, family) and if it’s not there then I commit to seek it out – research, expanding my network, reading, classes. I choose to be an empowered participant, for the sake of walking into awesome!

This step is a toughie hard, especially because I really want to look good, do things perfect the first time and appear to have my shit together, but it’s amazing what happens when I don’t rely on others to read my mind, or better yet, test them to see how well they know me – because they SHOULD know, right? Been there, done that and it’s a dangerous game I no longer want to play.

Step 3: TAKE THE HELP, I asked for it! Shut off the voices of resistance/pride/ego in my head, say “Thank You” and open up my mind, ears and take in what I don’t know. I need to remember that NOBODY ever did anything worthwhile or impactful ALONE. Nobody. I will find comfort in this fact and consider tattooing it somewhere I can see it anytime I need to.

Step 4: TRUST AND LEAP INTO THE UNKNOWN! Whatever it is I want to do or try, I will take what I know, suck up some fierce courage and TRUST that no matter what happens, trying and failing miserably (worse case scenario) is truly better than not trying at all. And who knows, I might not only inspire others to do the same but inspire MYSELF to keep going! I can also sense some hilarious stories to come from this place and I love me a good story to share J This thought is almost exciting… where I can practically feel the desire TO fail…haha!

So how am I going to be applying the above? I have officially committed to achieving the following goals over the coming months and they each, scare the crap out of me in their own way:

To Becoming An Amazing CERTIFIED Co-Active™ Coach

During my certification, I will be challenged BIGTIME to get more courageous with clients for the sake of their growth and goals. Meaning, I need to let go of looking good and to make mistakes, do the irrational, crazy, out of the box approaches that come to me in the moment. What makes this easier is the latter part of that first sentence. I’d do anything for these amazing people that come into my life and I want them to experience whatever shift or transformation they want so badly. I have to remember this when I’m resisting and holding back.

To Be BIGGER … In Front Of More People! Full Exposure!

Although I love the intimacy and power of one to one coaching, after 6 months exposing my inner-most challenges, experience and stories in front of my coaching people – I remembered how incredible it feels to connect with a bigger audience. Back in high school, I gave up on my dream to be on stage and perform. What’s different now is that it’s less about ‘look at me’ and more about sharing information and making that connection about something bigger and more meaningful. And as NERVE-WRACKING as it is for me to do this, whenever I do it, I feel something rise up in me that is too cool to ignore. It’s like I am firing on all cylinders and can feel my full power. I just pray that the ridonkulous knee-knocking nerves I recently experienced (see below video of me sharing my E.A.T experience) will dissipate with practice and exposure. Uggh.

So get this, a few months ago, my super-successful, professional speaker / communications powerhouse of a cousin, Maureen “Mo” Douglas, called me after I posted one of my more vulnerable blog entries and asked if I considered sharing my stories to a bigger crowd. All of the sudden, I saw the possibilities and got the FEELING of that dream I’d given up on so long ago, so I said “No… but I’m listening.”

Thank you, Universe.

Yesterday, I received my confirmation to attend a two day workshop (with Mo) at the end of February to train with a celebrated Keynote Speaker, Hugh Culver on how to better connect with an audience and be the most impactful speaker possible. Exciting!!! But shit scared!!!

Don’t think my troll isn’t rearing up his head yelling “You are IN over your head woman! You have ZERO experience! You are LITERALLY going to make a HUGE ass out of yourself! Seriously – no joke!”

The funny part is, and it’s not like I am trying to will it, but in this perspective, I really have nothing to lose. As much as I don’t want to embarrass myself, I want to throw myself in the deep end a little. Why not? Just think of the learning (a.k.a potentially hilarious blog post)!

To Head Into the Physical Unknown

It’s been two months since I finished the E.A.T Nutrition Program and I’m happy to report that I have maintained my weight and inches lost. I have so far, mastered the art of maintaining. Yay! That being said, I have enjoyed hovering here and exploring what I can and can’t do. This is also a place in the past where I would have settled and not pushed any further… and then gained it all back.

Here is a look at what I accomplished from September to November in 2012:

August 2012

FAT COAT be gone! December 2012

I’m see this as a dive and leveling process. When I began this journey, I dove and committed to the first batch of weight loss, learned and practiced new habits. But then, there felt like the need to relax, loosen the straps, celebrate results and catch my breath. I’ve looked around and am now gathering the strength to dive again and recommit to losing roughly 20 more pounds, fitting into my size 10 clothes by the summer and being able to complete a workout session where I don’t burst into tears when I hit a wall I call “I can’t, I’m weak, I’m going to hurt myself”. I wish this were a joke, but it’s not. Definitely another blog post. As requested by my beloved and patient fitness coach, Lisa, I am posting a picture of my goal outfit to motivate me. It will hang in my closet where I can see it every day and look forward to wearing it again (taken the day after our wedding).

In addition to this, I also registered to run the World Music Half Marathon (Relay) in September where me and my coach-bestie-in-crime, Michaella will each run 13K through the streets of White Rock while rocking out to international tunes. I love the relay part and have never even entered in or run in an actual race.  Holy crap, what have I gotten myself into! Woo Hoo!

PS. Decided to go to the pool tonight and wear my honeymoon bikini (!!), almost a tester to put it (me) all out there, literally… stretch marks, deflated baby-gut was hangin’ out for all to see. I did it and you know what? There was almost LIBERATING about it. My first success in daring to suck and it NOT sucking! CHECK!

I would LOVE to hear your theme for the year so please share. And watch this space, I will be reporting back as I continue on these items and any other gems I need to express to keep myself motivated and moving forward.

With love and gratitude out the ying-yang,

Let’s Do This 2013!

E.A.T Finale: When we know better, we do better!

The first step I took to grabbing the reins of my life was to take responsibility for my body and how I care for it. In the beginning of September I met with Lisa Carpenter, founder of the 10 week E.A.T. Program, which I wrote about in one of my first blog posts “My Starting Point”.

Ten sessions have since passed and last night was the big reveal and  I was blown away, not just by me losing 27 lbs, 23 inches and over 7% in body fat – but the PICTURES!! I am not ready to show you all of them because honestly, they are “too raw” if that makes sense. It feels like yesterday I was there – in a year I might but not tonight. The best I will do is give you the back fat shot – dramatic to say the least. You can only imagine (if you really want to..) what the front looked like..haha. Enjoy…. uuggh.

I did this by following the structure that Lisa puts forth – eating 5 meals EVERY day that were rich in lean protein, smart carbohydrates (including bread AND potatoes!), lots of leafy greens, healthy fats (Omega 3, 6 & 9s) and mountains of fresh vegetables and fruit. In comparison to previous attempts, it was refreshing to see no quick fixes, no magic powders or shakes to drink, shots or blood work to take and NO deprivation. I honestly didn’t expect it to work! LOL!

And get this, I even did this with a few nights of wine and junky food – difference was I enjoyed the hell out of it and just picked up where I left off the next day. No more sabotage. Eureka!

When people ask me what I’m doing to lose the weight and I tell them about the course, I sometimes get resistance with only answering the question by saying “I took a course on eating for weight loss and optimal health”. Like today, when a woman (I don’t know) asked me, she immediately said “Sounds like hard work.. (grimace face)” and then she asked me to tell her more so I did but she quickly cut me off saying “Oh I do all that already” and “I eat healthy but it doesn’t work” And although I REALLY wanted to engage because I’m super passionate about what I learned and love how it’s going to serve me for the rest of my life!!!…. I stop myself because I’m not here to convince anyone of anything. I’m just glad I found my way to it and also remember being in the same place. I wouldn’t have wanted to hear it either..haha.

The difference for me this time is that I was ready to admit whatever I was doing wasn’t working and think a lot of the success that happens in this course is when people show up, do the hard work and open themselves up to shifting their position or attitude – whatever it is. This is hard to do if you are hell-bent on believing you NEED cheese to live (believe me, I tried!!).

I surrendered and let go of what I thought I knew. This was the hardest part of the course for me and if you are ready to do this and want the change bad enough –you can make BIG changes and it is WAY EASIER than you think. There was never a time where I wanted to quit but I was annoyed and irritated with food logging and having to shift my thinking and behaviors. Most of the time this was just old patterns and my troll trying to sabotage my progress (note still working on this even though they are getting further and further away).

 How am I different now?

• I don’t eat cheese at every meal … or at all for that matter (I just heard a collective GASP from my friends & family).
• I’m less about a destination and see this as a daily, meal by meal way of living. In time, my body will catch up and be its optimal size.
• I found myself RUNNING up the stairs carrying six bags of groceries yesterday. No calling Scott from the car to come help. Laughed when I noticed this.
• I play with my boys differently – lifting the big one up more, rough housing, running, chasing and climbing at the park. We have more fun together.
• I gorged myself on 3 CUPS of BRUSSEL SPROUTS tonight dressed in pureed avocado, horseradish and red chilli sauce, salt & pepper…. and LOVED IT! I made the bowl for the family and ended up eating the entire thing myself! What the…??!!!!
• My 3 year old doesn’t beg for juice anymore. BIG WIN! He yells for water and it’s music to my ears!
• I have now begun incorporating my new knowledge into my family’s meals with success.
• Even though I still loath food logging, I see the value in it and will go back when I feel myself slipping. It’s a good way to keep mindful about the food I’m eating and why.
• I’m armed with tools to get me though eating out, Christmas parties and my own self-sabotage.
• I feel a sense of calm in the journey now – less roller coaster and ‘good’ ‘bad’ mentality. I’m human and will make less than stellar choices but will move forward the next day instead of derailing the process.
• I read food labels and understand them on a whole new level.
• I feel SO much more confident in my own skin and love that my wardrobe doubled now that I can fit into my thinner clothes.
• My husband is reaping the rewards of a happier, healthier, ‘rock star’ feeling wife 😉

That being said, now that the classes are over, I need to keep my “I got this” mentality in check because it’s only been 10 classes and this is something I want for the rest of my life. Definitely something I will need to check in on every now and then at the Alumni events which I’m looking forward to. Once you become a member of the E.A.T crew, you are welcomed into a family of other women on the same path with support, recipes and stories to share about how to ‘keep going’. Love it and can’t wait.

Thank you Lisa and the amazing women I shared this journey with over the past two months. I look forward to connecting again and seeing what else we are capable of!

Although I am forever changed and happy the majority of the weight I wanted to lose is gone, this was the beginning piece of a much bigger puzzle for me to live life with more purpose. Today, I reached week  8 in my 5K running program and ran 28 minutes in a row without stopping 🙂 This weekend I head into the second to last course of coach training-action and continue to explore this possible career change. I also started a fun grassroots “movement” with a handful of fellow community-lovers to inspire, educate and convert locals in Steveston to connect our community even more using the power of social media. We created a bulletin board on Facebook called  #SocialSteveston: Our Community and launched the #SocialSteveston web page where events and resources will be posted on how to get involved. We are planning a larger kick-off meeting with local businesses and community leaders in the coming weeks to see where this will go.

Before I sign off, it has to be said that although I am glad to be out of “the well” and feeling more alive and engaged with the world than ever before, I am officially in uncharted territory now. I’ve been in ‘action-mode’ for almost three months now and I’m starting to feel the effects of the shifts happening. The original ‘kick-ass and take names’ part of me is now feeling more like ‘where the hell am I and what’s next’… which feels a LOT scarier and uncertain. Enter the whispers of my troll.

Thank God Peter and I are reuniting this weekend after months apart so I’m hoping to get some much needed ‘catch-up’ coaching to see what shakes out. I’ll be sure to report back.

Thank you all for following along with comments, emails and updates from fellow 5 and 10K runners around the world who inspire me to keep going.

Until next time, with much love and gratitude, Ker

My Journey Out of the Well

This past weekend I completed ‘Balance’, the third of five courses in my training to become a certified life coach. As I’ve been living my life bigger and bigger these days, friends and family ask me what ‘grabbing the reins of my life’ is all about and why I am taking on so much since having my second son, Beau, just 6 months ago. Since that time, I’ve started coach training, a social media revolution in my community, a running / exercise program and began a nutrition class. What I respond with is something along the lines of “I used to live in a well” which obviously gets some confused looks, but in a nutshell I use to be very stuck in my life and I’m learning so many others can relate to this perspective. And seeing as the course I just finished was all about shifting perspective, I came across the original journal entry after my first coaching session with Peter back in February that can explain it better, so here it is

“We began our session by having me review several aspects of my life and grade them from zero to 10 on how satisfied I was with each section – my health, marriage, money, physical environment, fun, career, friendships etc. When I looked at the completed diagram I clearly saw how much I limit myself in almost all the aspects and how over the years, created a smaller and smaller life for myself. There are areas I’m more satisfied (5-8) in – my marriage, my home, my family and friends – but anything to do with me like my health, work, fun (what’s that again??) and happiness were practically non-existent (0-2). I saw that my life was very safe, cozy and familiar but on the other I feel jealous of others for having the energy and courage to live much bigger lives doing something they care about who are making an impact on the world. So I openly ask ‘why don’t I allow myself to break free … what am I waiting for?

What I heard come out of my mouth was automatic and thoughtless, but profound. I am waiting for someone to see me sitting here and tell me what to do!

I’ve never felt so stuck … and intellectually I know that I am the only one who can make a change in my life so why  on earth would I expect someone else to tell me what to do? And then Peter asked me to answer my own question, again… (what am I paying him for?? haha ) and then it even got crazier. I responded Because nobody ever does and nobody ever did ….which was made me burst out laughing because it was a childish thing to say but that was where it was coming from.

As I explored this perspective, I realize growing up, the topic of dreaming or even figuring out what I wanted to do was not something I ever learned to talk about. I had loving parents and family but my household had its own priorities and dramas that made for a fairly unpredictable environment – so this makes sense. We had too much other shit going on..haha. I know in my heart and head that we were doing the best we could, all of us. The unpredictability taught me work with what was in front of me – forget planning because things will change so why bother. The cost was that I never really dreamed or gave any real thought about what I wanted. On some level I just wanted someone else to see me, invest some time to tell me what they saw in me or help me explore what I could become.

This realization makes me feel so sad. I’ve been keeping myself stuck for so long just because I was waiting for others to save me or see me?? I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

And then I say it… It’s like I’m living in the bottom of a well. This is the sad, frustrated part of me that feels like it is not even possible to climb up and get out as the opening is just so high up, so might as well wait and make the best of what I have in this limited space. At least until somebody notices I’m down here. They are all probably so busy living their big, amazing lives on the outside, right? The thing is, I know how to be in this place. It’s cozy, comforting and I almost have an affection for it but at times it feels lonely, hopeless and pathetic. Why even bother trying anything different because I don’t believe I will ever be able to get out on my own. Doesn’t anyone even know I’m here?

Needless to say there were a LOT of tears during this first session with Peter with shocking truths being spoken from god knows where. Peter asked me (as homework) to ponder and write about one question…

What would life be like outside of the well?  What would it look like, feel like, smell like – how would I be different?

The initial thought sent me into panic!!!! Honestly, every fiber in my body screamed “What? No! No! I’m not ready!”.  Like it was too soon. I felt rushed to skip a bunch of steps along the way and I said to Peter ” I don’t want to get out just yet. Can I just sit on the edge and take a few breaths to see what this next part of my life might be like? The desperate negotiation made me laugh but the resistance was paralyzing. Talk about telling of where I am at… safety blanket much?

Before I even think about venturing to the top, I want to explore this place I’ve called home for so long.

To have lived here so long I realize I’ve learned ways of tricking myself to make  my life seem more fulfilling than it really is – like stop gaps along the way to keep the wanting part of me happy. Whether it was landing the marketing job of my dreams, complete a project, going to a concert, singing karaoke or going on a vacation – these experiences are like short bursts of living at a time. There is an ‘aliveness’ to each and I feel powerful and engaged (like what I imagine life to be outside the well) but then once the moment passes I EASILY glide back down where it’s comfy and almost make excuses for  retreating based on the incredible effort I just put in. Like I deserve to go back and rest for a bit.

Between events, there is little momentum or effort on my part to change the status quo. When I think about all these types of events, no matter how significant or not, they’ve always been brought to me by others. Never initiated by me, like I’m coat-tailing off someone else or an opportunity lands on my lap out of the blue. I guess I’ve been very lucky in many ways because if it had been left to me, I can’t say I would have made anything happen on my own steam.

People in my life are and would be surprised I discovered I live a small, limited life. They think I’ve got so much yes, I see that too. But being grateful for all that I DO have also keeps me stuck at the same time because who am I to want more??? I love my life in so many ways – a husband who is THE most supportive partner,a marriage I’m proud of, a beautiful and healthy child and another on the way. I love our home and where we live. I know how blessed I am and I can see the outside view of my life and it is great. But what about the part that’s just inside me? It feels ‘selfish’ and indulgent to ask for more. Almost like I’m asking for too much.

I don’t ask myself what I want out of my life. I don’t make an intended effort. I don’t know what I’m passionate about. I don’t know where to start. I feel my life has no inner direction. I’m just floating along like a passive passenger in my own life. How much longer can I do this?

I’m tired of using spontaneous events to feel alive and want to contribute on a bigger level. I want something that’s for me and expresses who I am and what I care about. Living in the moment (as I call it) has its place but it’s created nothing more than great moments that become good memories and a life where I’m never looking past what’s in front of me. There’s no purpose.

I tell myself that living a bigger life would be exhausting and not sustainable.  Living on the outside and being “FULL ON KER” is too much and not possible.

Maybe I should answer the question before I continue this thread much further.

What is life like outside the well?

As I sit on the edge I breathe in fresh air. I feel comforted and secure still being close to the well, like I could go back anytime. I look out and see vast, rolling green hills, trees, lakes, a wide open blue sky and it is beautiful. It feels fresh and peaceful. Like the sky is the limit. The land is lush, natural and untouched with so much potential. Like fertile ground. Then I get it, what I’m seeing is my untouched life that I could do so many things with it!

… but what?

I guess I can make it what I want. I could build on it and develop it but where to start? For now, I see the possibilities of it all… then this presents so many choices about my life, which stops me in my tracks. Too many options and the question comes back to “What do I WANT?” Oh god how I hate this question. It is too much to contemplate, overwhelming with fear of NOT HAVING A CLUE! Like  ‘OOh shit… if the life police find out, they are going to come and get me!!’ I remember Scott asking me this on our first date over 1o YEARS AGO…. I cried. Awkward.

I never learned that my life was my own to create and now I can actually SEE it. Holy crap!

As quick as I see the possibilities, a voice comes in to say things like “You don’t have the luxury or the time to think like this. Who do you think you are? The reality is that you ARE limited, you have responsibilities now. You are a wife, a mother and are too far in to start from scratch. You won’t have time. It will be too hard to fit in. You should be there for your family, THEY are your priority. That ship of what YOU want, has sailed my dear.”

It’s like I took on or inherited patterns of those who came before me,. No one told me that I could dream something up and pursue it – that my life was worth considering. I am so familiar with doing things based on what is going on for other people and being something for them (a mom, wife, friend, listener, problem solver) and honestly this does make me happy but I never give myself much thought. I feel ill equipped to create a life that is my own.

Sitting here at the top of the well and simply glimpsing and getting a feel for the outside is scary. I feel vulnerable.

But I can also feel the pulse of empowerment, ownership and freedom that is possible.

Fast forward where I am TODAY… 20 lbs lighter (30 more to go), running 20 minutes non-stop, eating food that fuels my body and tonight, I’m meeting with some social media movers n’ shakers in my beautiful town of Steveston to brainstorm ways we can inspire people in our area to connect with each other using Twitter and Facebook. Why? Because I have a love for people, community, connection and social media and in awe of the action that can come from simply expressing an idea and now seeing it come together with others. I still don’t really know what I’m going to be when I grow up but I’m excited to find out as I go along now.

And what does my hubby have to say about it? He’s just happy I finally showed up! haha.

I can see now that I don’t think I ever went back into the well after that session. Because why would I???!! At least it hasn’t felt like it. I still have a LOT of discovering ahead as I navigate and design my growing life ahead but am still blown away that by simply giving myself permission and the willingness to explore ONE question, my life was changed for the better.  THIS is the power of balance coaching at its finest.

There were many more ‘Aha’ moments that followed and many more to come, but this was the biggest by far.

As I told my coaching colleagues this weekend, my life has never been busier and yes, exhausting at times ….but I’ve never been happier.

PS. This was a much tougher post to hit ‘publish’ on… even more so than my starting point. Thank you for reading and all the love and support you send xo K

Lessons from a Grumpy Old Man.

So the week after I lost my grip at the number on the scale, I am happy to report I was able to go back and get on the ‘horse’ with a different, more supportive, mindset – with the big picture in mind. To do this, I consciously centred myself to support ME no matter what the number said and to ward off any possible troll ‘attacks’. To my shock and awe, I dropped a staggering SEVEN pounds in a week which on one hand was freaking fantastic to see, but then it really hit me that Lisa was right when she begs for us to stop putting so much power in the number because it’s a fickle biotch. But then I thought… “Fickle in my favour!! Holla!”

But seriously, it was a great lesson for me to seek any validation I need from inside myself and not outside of that space, whether it is a number on a scale, measuring tape, or comments from others about how I’m doing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m celebrating the progress for sure but I’m very aware not to get too caught up in the ‘hype’ and, like Dory from Finding Nemo, sing “just keep going… just keep going”. And seeing the bigger picture means me having a more meaningful life  – not to simply fit into a new dress or pre-prego jeans. This is for life baby.

Which leads me to share a funny story that happened last week while I was out running. I’m in the middle of the ‘Couch to 5K’ run/walking program and for this to happen I sometimes drop Denny off at preschool and take baby Beau out for a spin in the stroller before I have to head back for pick-up. On this particular day I was feeling really energetic and filled with community connection vibes greeting everyone I ran past with a chipper “Hello!” “Good Morning!” and LOVE it when I get it back. It’s like a game for me now to see if I can get eye contact, a smile, nod, cheerful hello back or better yet, all of the above!

So as I was winding down the last 5 minutes of running and I came upon a serious looking older man, dressed in black from head to toe who was looking ominously out at the water at Garry Point Park and gave him a solid “Morning!” as I approached. He looked uplifted for a moment, and gave me a half-smile nod which had me thinking “Nice” …  but then the expression and body language changed completely and next thing I know he snarled at me saying “Better not let my chiropractor catch you doing that! …It’s really bad for you!”

(I feel like I just heard a collective “Faaack Yoouuuuu Old Man!” from you all in cyber land, haha. And believe me, I’m with you, but hang on…)

Having been to stroller fitness classes, I assumed he meant running with the stroller. And, because I had only seconds to respond (… or not) I heard myself actually respond with a genuinely sincere and grateful “Thanks! I WON’T!” followed by a huge smile.

The funny part was that I said it as if I took him literally, like I was going to keep a lookout for this horrible naysayer bone-doctor he warned me of, lurking around the next corner! I have no idea why I responded this way but am so glad I did. Because you should have seen the look of total CONFUSION on this guys face, thinking “Wha? Hey, no! I was being an asshole lady! Don’t you get it?!” (It still makes me laugh out loud …) He seemed almost disappointed that I didn’t stick around to engage him. And as I ran on, so many thoughts poured into my head about what I could have said. Then I actually felt a bit sad for him that his outlook was so shitty, he just felt the need to share it with me. I’ll tell you something – if he’d got me a few weeks ago he might have had a desperate crazy woman with her hand around his throat screaming “REALLY?! REALLY?! Would you rather I go back to sitting on my ass and wasting my life? HUH?!! Do you?!!” and then this thought made me laugh even harder as I kept running.

So thank you, you crabby bastard. I’m sorry someone crapped in your cornflakes, but you made my day. I saw progress outside of a measuring stick and it felt great. Best. Gift. Ever.

Shit Just Got Real People

On the first night of E.A.T!, there was a quote written on the wall that resonated with me…

“Are you ready to be your own coach, rather than your critic?”

I loved this because I am in life coach training so … YES, I am ready. Therefore today’s blog is about the difference in knowing something vs being it.

At last Wednesday’s E.A.T class,  I walked in standing tall, full of energy and feeling positive knowing how well I had incorporated each weeks learning topic so far and I was losing weight like a champ. I was eating five smaller means a day with the recommended portions of lean protein, good fats, green leafy veg, no processed foods etc (minus one birthday party with pizza & cupcakes). As much as I’ve embraced all that I am learning, I am also realistic so eating non-stellar food once in a while is fine with me as long as I don’t let those side steps shut down the entire process. Looking back, I know I went into class feeling sure I had lost two or three pounds because  (if you didn’t get the memo from my troll / ego) “I am THE best loser-weighter that ever lived!” This makes me laugh now but it was pretty humiliating in the moments that followed.

I stepped on the scale to do the weekly numbers / measurements and I was looking forward to it, when out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw the same number from the week before and panic took over my body. What? WHAT?!!! NO. I’m sure it was just the scale adjusting itself… This was all I could hear in my head. My heart sunk and then I could literally feel all that kick ass, positive energy and self-support quickly drain out of my body… Faaaaaack! As Lisa wrote down the number I decided to actually look down at it and the number was the same as last week… no, correction. I had gained 0.2 of a lb. At the time, this 0.2 lbs may as well have been twenty.

Lisa could see by the look on my face exactly where I was… I guess I started babbling my thoughts and I am pretty sure she said “Shut Up” and quickly turned me around and began to wrap the measuring tape around me. As she measured me (attempting to speak through the screaming in my head) she said something like ‘try not to focus on the scale… different for everyone.. expectations…own worst critic… look what you DID achieve.” And I’m SURE there was good stuff in there for me to hear but there was no chance for it at this point. Then she showed me that I had actually lost over three inches. Nope. Don’t care. Still back at the scale. As to not completely expose my humiliation, I gave a half-assed nod and may have even fake smiled (to stop the crying of course). I slunk back to my seat feeling completely deflated.

It’s in these moments when I hardly recognize myself. And that’s when I knew I was in the midst of the troll storming around in my head. He was clearly in no mood to let me turn it around. As I sat there waiting for Lisa to begin, more thoughts came but they weren’t so much angry as they were defeated and deceptively realistic sounding. “I’m never going to be able to get what I want… too hard… this sucks… how can I keep doing this week after week…why bother.

Pretty gross huh? I think I was almost more disturbed with being this person.

Luckily Lisa had a lot to of information for us to absorb so I was able to keep those thoughts on hold while I focused on carbohydrates. It was much more complicated than the others but of incredibly value to know how different carbs can drastically impact our health (good and bad). This was one of the final pieces to the food puzzle and the real work was going to be putting it all together in ‘real life’. When Lisa checked in with us on how we were processing it all, I literally blurted out “shit just got real people” which got a few laughs, but that’s how I felt. I can’t unlearn this stuff and now know there are some foods I used to eat that I just won’t now. Which is good, but its big change, right? Between the scale incident and bringing in all this learning into my life I felt the enormous challenge I had taken on to eat more responsibly. But in saying that I also felt determined to do my best and to keep going. It’s too important not to.

Since that night, the storm passed from my head and has become an ‘Ah ha’ moment in my heart because I learned how important it is to quickly recover (slam door in troll’s face) and support myself through ‘perceived’ set backs knowing there is something to be learned and grow from. It’s not in the what happens but how I handle it and how I am BEING that matters. I don’t want to BE the up and down drama-fest that freaks out in either joy or defeat because of a stupid number. I am going to try to be more centered, knowing I’m doing my best every day and celebrate it. The rest will fall into place if I keep moving in that direction. Just KEEP GOING.

I am in the process of creating a bigger life, becoming more of myself and living a life with more purpose – NOT to become a size four. So thank you, my shitty troll, for showing up just enough for me learn to support myself and more importantly to see progress in how little time I’m giving you these days.

P.S. Although scales and measurements are one way to monitor progress,  a few days ago I was able to say goodbye to my maternity clothes and for the first time, recognized myself in the mirror. If that’s not motivating, I don’t know what is.

Protein, Fats and Food Logs… OH MY!

So last week was a BIG milestone for me in this whole ‘clean eating’ gig. I dropped my first TEN POUNDS! WOO HOO! And I honestly have to say it has been WAY easier than I thought.

Since I began the attending Lisa Carpenter’s E.A.T! Class, a local nutrition program geared toward women who want to lose weight and eat for optimal health, I look at food completely different. I am gaining a greater knowledge and respect for what I should put into my body and how it works to keep me fueled. When I think back to how I used to eat, I had taken my hands off the wheel completely. And I wasn’t binge eating or anything drastic. But really, I was simply NOT in control and here is the simplest reason – there was no thought behind what I ate and whether it was a good choice for me or not. I just flew by the seat of my pants and tried to make the decision as I opened the kitchen cupboards, the fridge door or was out with the kids I would think ‘What do I FEEL like eating?..”

Now I think, what does FEELING have to do what I eat??! But it was ingrained in me as a subconscious pattern. Now it seems crazy to even ask the question. I was indulging myself in a useless conversation knowing full well that I had a fairly limited wheel house of options I would go for – bread, cheese, pasta, with some veggies and fruit. I hated thinking about eating because I hated having to decide and argue with myself, knowing I had NO connection to whether the food I was choosing was a good for me or not. If it wasn’t good for me, I’d easily pass it off as ‘just one meal’ what’s the big deal. But those add up. Bottom line – I was not eating responsibly.

I didn’t eat a lot of food or have junk in my house but on those rare occasions when we did, as soon as my taste buds got wind, it didn’t last for long. I was out of balance and I knew it but didn’t know how to stop it. The thought of going on another round of the SureSlim plan to quickly lose the weight (as it was my go-to solution) annoyed me as I was sick of just doing these things knowing I’d inevitably hit the ‘get cocky’ phase and throw the good eating out the window. I just want to know what I’m doing…

What I love about the E.A.T! is that each week we learn ONE topic related to food and how it functions in our body and why effects body composition. Hmmm… eating with knowledge. Novel concept.

Week 1: We measured, weighed and assessed where we all were, discussed expectations and learned how to food log and pay attention to the food we are eating. We also prepared our kitchens for cleaner eating. Done.

Week 2: Protein! Biggest take away was that it is thermogenic, meaning it requires more energy for your body to break it down = more calories burned. Who knew? But being a fair weather vegetarian (that occasionally orders a veggie sandwich… with bacon) I decided to bring back some animal protein knowing this would help me drop the weight quicker. My previous diet, I learned, was so high in sodium (beans, cheese and of course the bacon) that this was going to impede any progress. So off I went to buy salmon, red snapper, chicken thighs, chicken breast and my new best friend, Non Fat Greek Yogurt. Done.

Our homework was to incorporate FIVE portions of protein into our day with at least two cups of green leafy veggies. This was challenging (not the eating part, the organization and new behaviour) but I did it. And don’t’ think that was ALL I was eating – we could have bread, fruit or a whole pizza for all Lisa cared at this point. She just wanted us to learn the protein part as the foundation. One week at a time.

Week 3: FATS – I began this class by getting on the scale and seeing that I was 11.5 lbs lighter and 8 inches smaller from that first meeting with Lisa. To have the first 10 drop so fast was just a sign that my body was sooo ready for a shift. This is the progress I needed to keep me motivated.

This week’s class was all about the good, bad and ugly about FATS and to stop cooking with oil! More importantly, I took away the emotional and physical benefits on incorporating healthy fats Fish oil, flax, olive oil, peanut butter, avocado into my day because they will keep me balanced and feeling more full. So I’m adding healthy fats to the last two meals of my day to keep me going through the night.

Tonight is CARBS and I say… ba-ring it!!

As much as I don’t want to make it about the weight, I look forward to each class to see if the weight and inches are still coming off – even if only a little. There is a part of me that is waiting for the week when there has been no shift so I can turn to Lisa and say “AH HA! I told you this crap doesn’t work!” LOL!

So far she doesn’t seem too worried about this happening…

Also, the food I’m eating tastes good (not as good as a donut) but there is something about knowing the food I’m are eating is fueling weight loss and making my body more efficient that has me missing the junk less and less. My taste buds are shifting to appreciate how whole food tastes – no additives, no preservatives. I’m eating things I never thought I would – egg whites for one. Not as horrible as I thought! And I’ve had one or two junky meals along the way of pizza and cupcakes. The headache that followed them was yet, another sign I am on the right track.

I have to say that I’m enjoying my days more because although I’m working harder to measure food and plan more it is absolute BLISS saying goodbye to the mental wrestling that went along with trying to figure out what I would eat. There is a sense of freedom I’m getting that I love. I appreciated knowing more, the structure, being in control and with no feelings attached. No more stress about the WHAT to eat. Just follow the guidelines and enjoy the ride. I’m making it a part of my life – one week at a time.

It’s also nice to know I’m not in this alone. Have other people to share my challenges with and hear theirs is really helpful and the women in the class do this for one another. There is a lot to be said for peer support and encouragement.

So for those of you who are curious, here is an example of some of the meals I might eat in a day right now (Note – I have MUCH more to learn – only 3 weeks in):

Meal 1:                 Non-fat Greek Yogurt, Greens First Powder (BEST tasting Greens product I’ve ever tried!), Quick Oats

Meal 2:                 Shrimp, natural yogurt, dill weed, dill pickle diced on whole grain bread

Meal 3:                 Chicken breast, 2 cups of chopped veggies (carrots, peppers, spinach, celery), brown rice, chick broth, apple

Meal 4:                 Shrimp, Mixed Greens, Tomatoes, Cucumbers, Green onions, Mixed Greens (olive oil, balsamic vinegar, dill weed, dill pickle diced, salt & pepper)

Meal 5:                 NF Greek Yogurt, Frozen Mango, Barlean’s Omega 3 oil (Pina colada) – THIS TASTES AMAZING!!

And here are some pics of my meals too (I do this to remember for my food log at the end of the day too):

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My Adventures in Coaching.

So part of my journey right now is stepping into my life with both feet  and I’ve recently discovered the next piece to my puzzle, a piece that fills me up and allows me to do what I love in a better way , which is connect with  and help people! Although it felt like the decision to go back to school and train to become a certified life / business coach happened very quickly, the truth is I’ve been seeking it out my whole life. From as far back as I can remember, I would come alive most when I connected and helped the people in my circle overcome a challenge or support them through a difficult time.

Roughly six months ago, a close friend turned to me and said “Remember years ago when you mentioned looking into becoming a life coach – Why don’t you?” and even though I’d heard it before, this time it resonated on a deeper level – because she was right, I’ve danced around it for years but truthfully didn’t know HOW someone would become a coach. It all seemed so airy fairy to me.

Growing up, I loved watching coaches come on Oprah then religiously watched every episode of “The Starting Over House” and more recently “Breakthrough” by Tony Robbins…glued to every word and life changing moment. I just eat this stuff up!! Whatever they do, I love it. But would wonder… how could I do that? I was good at being a supportive friend that had some life experience which seemed to help me help others, but figured, that’s not going to cut it. So, it wasn’t that hard to let the idea quickly drift away into a sea of reasons why I couldn’t.

But this time was different.  I was tired of saying NO and wanted to at least look into it further. So that night I told Scott and the most unexpected thing happened… he said “Really? I JUST met a life coach this week at a networking meeting and she was really incredible. I’ll introduce you if you want.” And even though there was a huge part of me that was hesitant, I said yes and next thing I know, I met the amazing Karen Bresler a few days later.

What I thought was going to be a fairly superficial conversation with Karen turned into what felt like meeting someone I’d known my whole life. The language she used, her outlook, philosophies  – it  was like listening to myself and all these TV coaches all wrapped up into one – everything I’d ever been drawn to. The more we talked, the more excited we both got and after telling her how I got here, she enthusiastically (to say the least) ‘encouraged’ (aka TOLD…haha) me to pursue formal coach training. Of course I was thinking this is all happening too fast (little troll)– I had only just muttered the words and now I’m going to do this?? Sensing my hesitation, she insisted I at least experience a coaching session with a friend of hers and I agreed. And then the second angel-coach, Peter Valles entered my life..

What is coaching like?

Coaching to me was similar to “therapy” but more helpful in my opinion. I’ve done therapy and it has its place in the world but what I remember is that I was always left feeling better to get things out but then wondering “Now what?” Coaching is similar in creating a safe environment where there is total confidentiality and a strict ethics policy but in terms of process there is a big difference. I found therapy was a LOT more reviewing over and over what happened and how I got here. Whereas, a typical coaching session is 10% of how you got here (past), 80% discovering, acknowledging and designing the future and then 10% is designing steps to take in the PRESENT to get me closer to what I want. Love it.

What I found was, a coach asks powerful questions, mirrors back what they see and hear, makes observations, validates where you are and holds your hand through tough realizations. There is no rushing. That being said, they are also there to firmly guide you toward your ultimate vision. Yes, big emotions can come up but you don’t stay there for long and they breathe space into those moments for you to express, honour and respect your own feelings.

Since that first phone meeting with Peter, not knowing a THING about what true coaching was all about – I have begun to discover who I am, what I love and what my purpose is during this big life I’ve got. I am now blessed to call him my life coach.

With Peter’s help, I discovered what my values are that drive me forward, what fills me up and learning to serve that voice deep within that IS me and not that troll on my shoulder telling me “I can’t”. The process for me is difficult at times, but enlightening, empowering and effective.  And the real work isn’t in the sessions but between them when I am assigned homework in the form of writing, reflecting, creating or acting on something we discuss.

One of those BIG homework projects was to finally enroll and begin my coach training at The Coach Training Institute and it was a life changing experience. Over the three days, two of the most in-sync Master Coaches, Signy Wilson and Joni Mar, took twenty six of us on a journey where we dug in deep to learn the fundamental coaching tools that will serve us moving forward but also these fearless people shared their real life struggles out for all to see as we practiced coaching each other. There were HUGE laughs, big tears and times when you could have heard an eye-lash drop. It was not only a personal development milestone for me but professionally and felt like a spiritual shift by the time Sunday came around. When we said good-bye we were more than friends, we’d been through something big and the bond was palpable.  I walked away with tools that help me listen and connect with others on the deepest level possible. These tools impact what kind of a coach I become and, I think, enable me to be a better friend, Mom and Wife.

Our glowing group of coaches at “Fundamentals”, Sept 2012

I’m not sure where this path is leading or what form it will take in my life when I complete my certification next year, but I DO know that I’ve found my place and my people and it feels incredible. My life has more focus and drive than it’s ever had and although I could use more sleep, hours in a day and a baby that doesn’t want to use me for biting practice, I am happily exhausted at the end of every day and eager to learn and share along the way.

Next, I’m working on catching up with my progress in my nutrition course, E.A.T! . It is challenging but I’m seeing real result in my efforts to drop this weight I’ve collected over the years. Lots of Aha moments to share 🙂 Coming soon…

Thank you for reading and much love for all the support you are sending! xo Ker

I’m ready to E.A.T!

After my last post, I have to say WOW! That was hard. But I didn’t expect so many comments, emails, phone calls, texts from friends reaching out to say they felt the same way and were not only behind me 100% but some are even joining me in the challenge to create more meaning and purpose in their lives. Double WOW! I had no idea that hearing from you would feel so good and ignite me that much more, so please don’t stop. If you have something to share – ANYTHING, please do. I want to hear your experiences, perspective and thoughts too 🙂

And get this… I’ve got people asking to run with me! Wha? Me????!!! I feel like Forest Gump for God’s sake! Haha! And just so you know, I am on a mission to find a t-shirt (or make one if I have to) that says “SAY HELLO” or better yet “TELL ME TO KEEP GOING”. Stay tuned on that one.

So here’s the deal. It’s not my first time to this rodeo. I’ve eaten healthy, worked out (a little) and lost 30 lbs… THREE times in the last 15 years. I started with the Carbohydrate Addicts diet, then Sure-Slim (twice) but used them in almost a band-aid approach. I just did what they told me to do and it worked. There was no information behind it and I didn’t care. I just wanted to lose the weight so I could move on. And by moving on, this meant going off the diet and eventually gaining the weight back (and then some). I’m good at the quick fix but not the long term.

I’m no longer interested in a formula to follow to ‘get it right’ and then be held hostage by it. I want to be informed about food. I want to know how it’s supposed to work in my body and what I need to fuel this fine piece of machinery! I want knowledge that will serve me (and my family) forever to make informed choices about the food I eat and prepare for my family. So I move forward knowingly the pros and cons because then, it won’t be a diet – it will be just how I eat. When I know more, I will hopefully do different.

And this is what the E.A.T! Program is all about – information, tools and the foundations of how to best eat for optimal health. The food part to me is fairly straight forward and more doable than the hard part of breaking old ways of thinking and behaving around food.

My big take-aways from class#1:

• I own this experience – nobody else. I will get out of it what I put in.
• Clean out my kitchen of crap that doesn’t support my goals (trigger foods)
• To stock my kitchen with a wide variety of fruits, veggies, protein and healthy carbs
• To be aware of the feelings behind when and why I eat (H.A.L.T – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

And so last week I began eating cleaner and it’s been fine. I’ve been more organized and even put meals together the night before for my coach training this past weekend. This may sound like more work, but it wasn’t. It was a lot easier than going in circles in my head wondering what I was going to eat in the moment (when I was hungry) and then just grab whatever was available knowing that it was probably not that great for me. There was no thought behind it … and don’t forget the eating scraps off my kid’s plate. Classy times.

Fast forward to yesterday when we all headed cross border to run some errands. Just the simple act of driving down the I-5 had me craving junk suddenly! But it makes sense, because whenever we go down to shop we almost always get cookies at Trader Joes or pizza at Costco or burritos at Chipotle the size of my head and this beast in me was waiting to be fed! But I didn’t budge. I was tempted for the first time but held firm. And I’m not into TOTAL depravity so I did order my first non-fat, decaf mocha… without whipped cream (if you can imagine!!) which I NEVER would have seen happening in my life before this whole shift. And to my surprise it didn’t taste like watered down MOCKOLATE!

Bottom line is, 90% of the time, I want to feed my body in a healthy, sustainable way where the food does me good not harm… and then indulge a bit on weekends/holidays with friends and wine! To me that is achievable and something I want to do for the rest of my life, especially if I am the one designing it. I’m hoping to achieve this from taking the E.A.T! course and will keep you posted with how it goes!

As for squeezing info in here about how my first set of coaching workshops went this weekend – I am still processing, but can tell you it was a complete life-changing experience. I began learning to listen on a totally new level and truly be present and connect with another person like I’ve never done before. It was EPIC to say the least. I will do my best to put words to it in my next post.

Until then, much love and thank you for all the amazing vibes… second E.A.T! Class tonight!!